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[17 Jan 2009|04:43pm] |
I thought that getting the rest of my belongings from Edward’s house was going to be something to cut the ties. I wouldn’t have to worry about going back there again, and I only had a couple of loads of clothes to bring back. Climbing the ladder and going into my old room for the “last” time was hardly what I expected at all. When I made it through the window, the bed I normally fell onto was moved, so I fell into the floor looking up to find someone staring at me with bewilderment on his face. I didn’t know this person, but at the same time; staring at one another I felt as if I knew this person or perhaps he was the missing link to something important. He watched me, the intruder sitting on the floor. How was I suppose to explain this? Did my father just up and leave his house but leave my clothes hanging in place in the closet? Minutes after introducing myself and begging for this stranger to keep quiet about my entrance, I found out that this was no stranger at all; this boy was my brother.
I knew of this brother, in fact, I know that I have another one somewhere…along with a sister. I’d lived with my father just shy of four years and had only seen pictures of them when they were younger. One actually. It was in his wallet. I never asked him about them because, well…we rarely talked. I didn’t even know their names, I just assumed they were his kids which meant they were my siblings. I imagined what it would be like if I met them and every thought resorted back to them hating me. So the second the word brother flowed out of Rhys’s mouth, I was ready to build my wall and animosities. Within the half hour that I was there, I knew that I was wrong. This wasn’t going to be someone that I hated; he was a missing piece to my puzzle, a part of me.
Nash was originally suppose to go with me to Reno, but when I kissed Logan and told her about it, things just fell apart. I felt like I was doing the right thing by telling her because we hadn’t made things official. Anytime I tried, it was the same story about how she didn’t do relationships. I never pushed the issue. I enjoyed being with her, but the more that I was, I knew that I was never and would never be a lesbian. I would never be able to fully commit myself to her and give her the happiness she deserves because of this. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Nash to go with me, but I didn’t want her to see me vulnerable. She’d already seen me cry, but this was something that I had put off since my mom died. I was going there to get closure, to go to her grave and get that peace of mind. Rhys ended up going with me. He didn’t stay the entire time, but he was there for me and was exactly what I needed. No we haven’t known each other that long, but he was my rock; the support I needed. He was very patient with me when I showed him the house I grew up in, and the schools I went to. Our wonderful father called a few days into the trip and had a minor heart attack when he found out who Rhys was with and where we were. Heaven forbid his other child hear about the mistress he’d had an affair on his mother with.
When I got back, I was ready to get back to normal. Back to living in the house hold of the Guzman’s. I wasn’t sure I was ready to face Nash since we’d barely spoken while I was gone. I mean we did, but I didn’t like what she had to say. I didn’t like hearing that I’d changed, but maybe she was right. I didn’t think it was possible for people to just change over night or over a few weeks but it happened. Her and I drifted apart, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t love the girl. I still have a huge spot in my heart for her and always will. I don’t want to see her hurt, and I think she deserves all the happiness in the world. With Nash, I know that I’ll be lucky enough to still have an amazing friendship with her, and for that I am grateful.
I missed Matt while I was gone. Him and I had pretty much been close since he came to Key West. He was distant with me and any time I wanted to hang out there was an excuse as to why he wouldn’t, but that didn’t stop me from talking to him. When I left for rehab, I wrote him letters that I never mailed, only because I was almost certain he hated me, but when I got back, things fell into place. He was one of my best friends and was always there for me. When I wasn’t sure about my situations I was in, he listened and offered advice. I stayed many nights with him, having our Degrassi marathons or just movie nights in general. Even though he was gay, he’d let me cuddle up to him and hold me while I slept. He was always my Papi, my boyfriend without the commitment of a relationship and the sexual aspect of it all. We’d joke about how different it would be if he were actually straight and I’d get a filthy mouth and talk about how he was passing up amazing sex, and we’d do nothing more than laugh about it. Well, feelings on my end took a dramatic turn. Ok, it wasn’t that dramatic. It was bound to happen. The joking started becoming more truth than not, and I found myself in a quick spiral fall for this boy. One night we’d confessed feelings that were there, but would likely never work. He was one way and I couldn’t change it. I could make him question it, but I couldn’t make it different. But I did. Even if it was only once, it was enough to make me want to chase after him and go to New Orleans and tell him that I love him, even though he’d heard it a million times before. I’d do it if I could just kiss him one more time.
I knew that he wasn’t happy. I could tell, but when we were together, it didn’t matter about the world around us. I just wish I could have helped so that he didn’t have to go. I knew he was going to New York with Nate, but I thought he’d be back, but instead he decided to go back with his family. I don’t hate him. I could never hate him, but I want him here. People always leave, and I’m still not ready to let him go.
The timing about everything is just wrong, but it always is. When it rains, it pours. I was coming home from work when Nash called me in tears. I could barely understand her through her frantic pants into the phone. The most I got was Adam, ambulance and hospital, before I jerked the wheel and headed in the opposite direction. I got there before the ambulance which was surprising, but when they pulled him off on the stretcher, I thought I was going into cardiac arrest. I didn’t know what was happening but I met up wish Nash and Pops. Pops was filling out the paperwork and Nash and I were forced to stay outside. I thought for sure Nash was going to kill someone. I needed air, water…something. I felt so light headed. It was hours before we were allowed back. They let Pops go, but every time he came out with an update for us, his face was paler and his hands were shaking. I’d only seen him smoke once and that was before I moved in, but he asked to bum a cigarette and I gladly obliged, taking the opportunity to smoke one with him.
I’ve stayed at the hospital, and every time I’ve been able to go in and see him, he’s asleep. He looks so frail and breakable. I just want to make him better. I feel like this is my fault. I’ve known and I didn’t do a damn thing. In fact, when we first became friends, I agreed to help him reach his ridiculous precious number. I didn’t think it would go this far. I just can’t lose him. I think about it and the air around me gets to thick to breath. I’m so scared.
I’m delirious. I need a nap. I need something…
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